How to win an Oscar…

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Good Ol' Olympic Hockey Game

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Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness

Fun with SCIENCE!

“Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .”, the sodium pined.
“It’s just a phase you’re going through”, replied the Bunsen burner.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, “For you, no charge!”

Helium walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” Helium doesn’t react.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders 1 pint, the second orders 1/2 a pint,
the third one orders 1/4 of a pint, then the bartender says “You’re all assholes” and pours 2 pints.

A bar walks into a physicist. Oops, wrong frame of reference…

Algebra’s easy, calculus is alright, probability is okay.
But graphing?
That’s where I draw the line.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Calculus has its limits. Decimals have a point. Geometry is just plane fun.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work? and How can I make it better?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil engineers build targets.

A magnet says to another magnet, “From your backside, I found you repulsive. Now that you’ve turned around, though, I find you quite attractive.”

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Golden Language

To all of the parents of children that are struggling with their reading &
their “Golden Words”, this one is for you!!!

A class of five-year old students are learning to read.
One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
“Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked…”What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!”

And so it does…

” A f r i c a n Elephant ”

Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

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Assumptions

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New Boss

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,

“Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s”!

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Strange Minds

I thought this was pretty cool… Remember: Only great minds can read this

YES
Eonverye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad.

To my ‘selected’ strange-minded friends:

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Star Trekkin'

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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS

A drunk man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a nearly empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’

The Priest said, ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for his fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’

The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

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BRAVE FIREMEN

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ‘All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.’

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking,

‘What are you going to do with all that money?’

‘Vell,’ said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,

‘…..da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.’

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