Archive for category Joke of the every couple of Days

A drunk man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a nearly empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’

The Priest said, ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for his fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’

The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ‘All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.’

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking,

‘What are you going to do with all that money?’

‘Vell,’ said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,

‘…..da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.’

These are things everyone should know…but few of us do….very interesting…

Alaska

More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon

The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world’s oxygen supply.

The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States .

Antarctica

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.

Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica . This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

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One day a farmer’s donkey fell down a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

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Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up..

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ……..

Enough of that crap.. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son… “Go get your mother.”

I stumbled accross this webcomic a while ago and it made me R.O.T.F.L. so I figured I’d share it.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”

Hey ….. I don’t make them up.

I just send them on !!!

How his mom fainted during a school program.

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. ‘That was my pager,’ she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.

When she finished, she explained, ‘That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’

The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end..

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said………..well,
Will you look at that….
I’m getting a fax!!